Fishing humor – fishing jokes, jokes about goldfish
At the top of a small waterfall you can see various fish with fishing rods baited with bottles of wine, medals, valuables etc., Over the heads of people floating in the stream below.
Signature in French original:
The cat finally reaches the pier, from which it dives with a splash, scaring the fish in the water and the angler.
The angler went fishing. As usual, he caught a goldfish. She told him:
– Forget about three wishes! But I can give you one piece of advice…
– Wal go ahead!
– Come here less often… stag!
– What would you do, as if you caught a goldfish?
– I would ask her for money.
– And I am for love.
– And I would fry reptiles!!!
– Previously, I asked her for love and friendship. Now I'm chasing fagots in love, and the women propose: “let's be friends”.
Vanya caught a goldfish.
– fish: let me go I will fulfill your wish
– You want a villa?
– You want a Mercedes?
– You want a medal for bravery?
– So clear.
There was a boom, whacked and Vanya was right on the battlefield with two grenades in his hand. She looks at him and fucks him 10 tanks. Vanya, pissed off by clenched teeth:
– Oh shit, the posthumous she gave me!!!
The guy's coming fishing in a golden Mercedes. He gets out of the car all in gold (chains, bracelets etc.), pulls out a golden fishing rod with a golden line and goes fishing. After a while he catches what? …..goldfish, of course. He looked at her, he looked around with contempt and is about to throw it back into the water, and the goldfish for it:
– Hey rybaku! A three wishes?
– Eeeeeh, but good. What do you want?
The fisherman has caught a goldfish, and this one spoke with a human voice:
– I am an enchanted princess, kiss me and I will comply 3 your wishes.
The fisherman kissed the fish and after a while a beautiful princess stood in front of him.
– What are your 3 wishes?
– I have one wish, but three times!
The nice fisherman released a veeery little goldfish.
This she thought
– “And so I will meet his first 3 wishes”
The fisherman rolled up the fishing rod and thought:
– Fuck in the ass and anchor in the back, what would only blow well.
He caught a mute goldfish.
– Let me out, and I will make your innermost dream come true, says the fish.
– In response, the mute draws a diamond in the air and sticks out its tongue.
– You want some ice cream?
– The man is silent and draws a rhombus again and sticks his tongue out.
– Maybe you want money?
– The visitor remains silent and continues to draw a rhombus…
– Renault in lizing?
Leonardo di Caprio caught a goldfish before filming one of the films:
– I want to be always happy, I want women to love me and I want everything to end well – said when asked for three wishes. The fish thought, she nodded and says:
– The first two are fine, an opium smoking room and a brothel on the Titanic, but where the hell can I find you toothless shark?
The fisherman caught a goldfish, which spoke to him:
– Okay, and the third wish?
– Wait a minute – the fisherman was surprised. – Like this third wish? What about the first and the second?
– The second wish so effectively wiped out the effects of the first, that you don't remember anything now. So how will it be with this third wish?
– Let's think for a moment – the fisherman frowned. – I would like, for women to be crazy about me.
– Let it be that way – the fish replied. – By the way, it is interesting.
Your first wish was exactly the same…
A drunk fisherman has caught a goldfish.
The fish says: fisherman, let me out, and your three wishes will be fulfilled.
Okay, says the fisherman, I want this whole lake to be made of vodka.
fish: it has already come true!
A fisherman dips his finger in the lake, and actually booze!
Well, now my second wish, little fish. Wants, so that all tributaries to this lake also come from vodka!
fish: it has already come true! Well, what is your last wish?
The fisherman thinks and thinks and finally speaks, and give me another half liter!
The fisherman has caught a goldfish and has already made two wishes. The fish is asking, to pronounce a third.
– Then tell me, when i die – says the fisherman.
– I can not – the fish replies – but I can tell you who you will be in the next lifetime.
– then speak.
– You're gonna play golf.
– Like this, I can't play golf.
– Then get ready, because in two weeks you have your first game.
Two shipwrecked people are sailing on the high seas in a boat.
Suddenly they caught a goldfish. The fish is asking:
– I will fulfill your one wish, just let me out…
One of them for that:
– Ok! I wish this whole sea would turn into beer.
The fish fulfilled the wish and disappeared. To others:
– Ty idiot, now we're gonna have to pee in the boat.
– I still see you walking with an ostrich.
– I caught a goldfish and one of my wishes was to have a large bird.
A guy with an ostrich enters the bar, he orders a set and a bolt from the waiter.
– You pay 5 zlotys and 30 pennies – says the waiter.
The guy reaches into his pocket and takes it out carefully 5,30. The next day the situation repeats itself, only the receipt for the ordered dishes is 17,60. The visitor reaches into his pocket again and gives the waiter the deductible.
– How do you do it – the waiter asks, that you always take out what the bill is?
– Even Mr. – the guest answers, I caught a goldfish and this one promised me to fulfill two wishes. I asked, that I always have so much money in my pocket, as much as I need. Yes, it now, do i buy a Mercedes, whether
matches, I always have the right amount of cash.
– It's cool – exclaims the waiter, delighted. And what was your second wish??
The guy looks sadly at the ostrich and talks:
– I wanted, I want an ass with long legs everywhere.
The old woman caught a goldfish and as it usually happens with goldfish, she could say hers 3 wishes.
– First wish – says baba. Please, that I would become such a beautiful princess.
And the fish flick and the old woman turned into a beautiful princess.
– Second wish – says the princess. Make it happen, to the old one, crumbling cottage, where I live has turned into a great castle.
And the fish snap and the old cottage turned into a huge castle.
– Third wish – make it happen, that this old flea cat becomes a beautiful prince charming.
And the fish snap and the old cat became a sexy prince charming.
The fish swam away and the pissed-off prince yells at the princess:
– Well, what an old woman! She had emasculated me for something?
During his stay in Canada, Rysiek caught a golden fish. He pulls it out of the water, and she says:
– Only one of your wishes will come true because we have a crisis.
– Okay…then he wants the latest BMW
– Leasing or in installments?
– And you prefer it in oil or in butter?
Two guys are fishing. They take one of them every now and then, and the other just soaks the sticks in water. The unlucky one finally couldn't stand it: – Please tell me, what bait do you fish for?? – I get syphilis pills – the other one taunted. Unlucky leaves his equipment on the shore and rushes to the pharmacy. – Please 4 syphilis lozenge packaging. – What, you caught? – the pharmacist was kindly interested. – Not yet, but I know a great place!
The journalist interviewed the owner of five… twin planets similar to our Earth:
– How did you come to such unimaginable wealth??
– A for pan, I was straight, a landless peasant. And once I caught a goldfish. And she tells me that she will grant me my wish. And I scratched the head and the river: “What can I want? You know, little fish, I don't even have land. To be like that, even a span…”
A fisherman has caught a fish, golden, of course.
Wish: freeway from here to Chicago.
Fish on it: “But man… it's such technologies, on the way up the mountains, the sea, oceans…. you don't have anything easier?”
– Ok, may my mother-in-law be nice and kind to me.
– How many lanes this motorway is supposed to have?
French-man, The Englishman and the Pole caught a goldfish, which in exchange for release, she promised to grant one wish each.
– I have such an ugly old wife – says the French – I want to be pretty and young.
– The boss at work was bent on me – says the Englishman – give me a new job with a higher salary.
– And my neighbor has a herd of cows – says the Pole – make it happen, that these cows would cry for him…
The guy caught a goldfish and when asked to say a wish, he said that he would like to have the bird right down to the ground. It was the fish that gave him soooooo short legs.
The guy caught a goldfish and, as usual, could use it 3 wishes. He took her home to agree with the family what they would like. The whole family is sitting at the table over the fish until suddenly the youngest daughter comes in and calls out:
-And I would like a hedgehog….
Bum. There is a hedgehog on the table. Pissed off father calls out:
-Sucks that hedgehog….
-Aaaaaaaaaa….. take that hedgehog away…..
And so the three wishes ended…
One day, the bear and the bunny met a goldfish.
– I am a goldfish, I will fulfill three wishes for each of you.
Teddy immediately asked:
– I want all the bears in this forest to turn into bears!
It happened. The bunny thought for a moment and asked for a helmet. When the fish fulfilled his wish, he put the helmet on his head. The teddy bear was very surprised by the bunny's wish, but he immediately said his second wish:
– let all the bears in the nearby woods turn into female bears!
And that's how it happened. Then the bunny asked
– i want the fastest motorcycle in the world.
After a while, a shiny motorcycle stood beside him. The bunny climbed on it, he fired and started warming up the engine. Misiu could not believe it
– hare, what are you doing?? You have already wasted two wishes!
– take it easy honey, I know, What am I doing.
– As you wish! But my last wish is that all bears around the world turn into bears!
– done – said the fish and turned to the bunny:
– now it's your turn.
The bunny hit the gas, he put the car in gear and screamed as he started screeching:
– And I want my teddy bear to be a fagot!!
The woman caught a goldfish, and this one says, that will meet her 3 wishes, but her husband will get it all times 10. Well, she's making it up. First: I wish I could be filthy rich. She immediately had some of these millions on her account. Happy as I don't know, suddenly she became sad, because her husband had 10 times more. Second: I want to have a huge one, beautiful house and great car. First she was happy, but when she saw 10 times bigger husband's cottage and ten even better cars, collapsed. In a moment, however, she gave the third wish: I would like to have a slight heart attack…
a Pole, an Englishman and a German, found a desert island and after some time they caught a goldfish that could meet after 2 wishes
well, it's an Englishman: I want a case of brandy and go home. and it happened
that's a German: wants a case of beer and go home. and it happened
for which the Pole thinks and talks for a while: he wants the case of vodka and the other two back
It was 2 Negroes and one white man who caught a goldfish.
That they were there 3 it is one for each of you.
Negro starts and talks :”I would like to be white”
Chop siup and turn white.
Now the second Negro asked for the same and he also became white.
Białas thinks so and finally talks :” I would like them to be black…”
The guy caught a goldfish, and this one, to his surprise, she grabbed his throat.
guy screams – “Let me go and I will fulfill yours 3 wishes”
a fisherman caught a goldfish, but she was so small that he let her go…
sitting and fishing, he thought to himself…
– but it would be nice to have a cold beer…
and here PYK… and a bottle of beer in hand… visitor thought good.. and when he drank he says..
– but I am stupid, that I didn't dream about a whole case of beer either…
and here is PYK.. A whole box with his favorite drink appeared… and so drinking another beer.. he looked along the shore and saw another fisherman there.. then yells at him:
– er, ladies.. do you want a beer??
– nooo I don't drink such filth! – the guy replies
Well, he thought to himself: A CH… mu in D…
and the other shouted: -AAAAAAA !
The young negro has caught a goldfish, she promised him two wishes if he let her go.
-Why only two?
-Don't haggle – two and that's it.
-But good, I want it… I want to be white and have the girls follow me.
And the fish turned him into cotton.
How to know that the Russian has met a goldfish ?
-carries with him 3 bottles of vodka
The negro caught a goldfish in a drying puddle in the desert, and asks her for 3 wishes:
1. I want to be white.
2. I want a lot of water, and that it does not end.
3. I want a lot of ass, different every day.
Well, what did the goldfish do?
… turned it into a restroom
It was a cold November morning.
Wacek would love to go home. His hands were raking in his hands and he was generally cold. The small pension expired about four days ago, which reminded him of the unpleasant sucking in the stomach. A cold wind rippled the water near the stationary float of the rod…
– I don't think I can catch anything today – Wacek thought and was about to roll up the so-called Manjur, when the float disappeared under water. Wacek jammed and after a while he had a large goldfish on the hook…
– Ornate some… – Wacek thought when the fish spoke with a human voice:
– Wacku! Wacku!!! Let me out, and I will fulfill your three wishes!
In the evening, an appetizing smell wafted from one studio apartment… Wacek sucked him into his lungs with delight. It's amazing how his sense of smell had grown since he went deaf 10 years ago…
He caught a drug addict with a goldfish, and this one to him:
– You have three wishes!
A drug addict without thinking:
– Give me and yourself a plot! We will light it!
– Okay, Please!
They set it on fire. The fish that is not used to it shakes itself after a while and talks:
– Give me a second wish…
– Give it the same again – the drug addict answers. – For you and me!
– Okay. Please! Although you could think of something smarter.
They set it on fire. The fish is already a bit muffled…
– Give me a third wish… Just think first, because it's the last one…
– The third time the same! – ordinates the addict. – For you and me, What… you only live once…
– Well, you are not smart - muttered the fish and fulfilled the wish.
They set it on fire, podumali, The fish hid in the water.. An hour passes, two. The fish comes out of the river:
– But good…. Give me a fourth wish…
A middle-aged man was fishing and managed to catch a goldfish. Standard: in return for freedom the fish was to fulfill 3 wishes,but the guy somehow doesn't know what he wants ... Finally he asks the fish: What do guys my age ask for? fish: for a large house with a garden somewhere in warm countries. He said:but I already have it… what else are they asking for? Fish eyes like PLN 5, but he says: they are asking for a fancy car… But he is again, that he does not need it because he has a different one for each day of the week…The fish is already upset and is calling: it may be a success with women?! What is he for: and I know if it is right for you…?
comes the goldfish ghost why did you eat me???!!! after all, I fulfilled your three wishes, you wanted 1 liter, you got. you wanted 2 liters, you got. you wanted 3 liters, you got, then why the hell did you eat me i drank 3 liters, then I had to bite something!!!!
The survivor has landed on a barren and inhospitable desert island. Bad luck wanted, that right next door, separated by a narrow passage, there was a second island - rich in food, full of greenery, inhabited by friendly, still partying natives. Unfortunately, the patch of water separating the two islands was swarming with sharks. Once upon a time, a poor man tries to catch something to eat. Suddenly he pulls out a goldfish:
– Give me my life, and I will fulfill your every wish.
– So? Then make me a bridge here.
The fish is bent over the back:
– Something came up!
A guy is sitting on the bank of the river, fishing. A guy comes up to him and asks; -They take??? -No -And you got something?? -One -and what you did with him??? -I threw it into the water -And it was big???? -Just like you, and he made me nervous too
What water today? – Zenek asks a friend who has been fishing for several hours. – Excellent! The fish does not think to crawl out of it.
A fisherman is catching a fish, but damn they don't. He sits there soaking a stick for five hours hungry, sleepy and wet, because here it is still raining and finally he says: – When..!!! As if I didn't know, that it calms the nerves, then I'd throw it all to hell!
There are two anglers on the shore of the lake. In front of them, a man on skis disappears under water. They go to save him. After a while they pull the drowned man ashore. They revive, they do artificial respiration. – Roman – one of the anglers suddenly says – it's probably not this one. Ours had skis on his feet, and this one has skates.
Colleagues made an appointment in October at. at four o'clock for a trip to the lake for autumn pikes. Awaiting my friend's arrival, already packed, he went out to the porch and is standing. Wind is blowing, the rain is pouring down – bad weather. After half an hour of waiting, once the cold began to shake, he thought – a friend resigned and they will not go . Cold he returned home, undressed and slipped into the warm bed with his wife.
– What, cold?
– And that old fool of mine went fishing himself.
Two friends meet. One of them has recently been married.
– Why don't you go fishing anymore?
– My wife won't let me.
– Try to do as I do. On Friday, I prepare my fishing gear and hide it in the basement. Saturday morning when I get out of bed, I uncover the quilt and look at my wife's body, and I say:
– And this is supposed to be my wife? Such a hippo?
That's when the brawl begins, she is driving me out of the house, and I take the equipment from the basement and go to the river. In the evening I come home with the fish, the wife is happy and we make it up to the next Saturday… Try this method!
The freshly baked spouse prepared everything on the advice of a friend. I get up in the morning on Saturday, discovers the quilt under which the naked spouse is sleeping and speaks:
– A ch… with fish!
The angler is walking through the forest with two buckets full of fish, when she suddenly meets a guard.
– Successful catch. I hope, that you have an angler card?
– I do not have, but these are my fish from the aquarium.
– Fish from the aquarium?
– I put the fish into the bucket, I'm going to the lake, I release them, so that they swim and when I class twice, go back to the buckets.
The guard did not believe it, so they both go to the lake. The angler releases all the fish into the water and waits. Fifteen minutes pass and nothing. The impatient guard asks:
– so what? Call them!
– What fishes?
How to kill a carp?
1. Drums on chama:
– hammer: hit with all your might between the eyes or in the vicinity of the eyes
(watch your fingers)
– cleaver: cut off the head (watch your hand)
guaranteed remorse and nausea. Our handicap and the death of carp are also likely
2. Beating “on the coward” – avoiding combat:
– a running hair dryer is thrown into the bathtub with carp
replacement of traffic jams, purchase of a new dryer
3. Psychological beating:
– goes to the bathtub, in which a carp swims carelessly and suddenly shows him a calendar with a date circled in red 24 of December (on 99,9% carp will die of a heart attack)
what will be, how do you hit this one 0,1%?
4. War games:
– you throw a firecracker into the bathtub
there is no gutting, but the walls and ceiling are painted
5. Women's beating:
– you take the cork out of the bathtub and go out for a cigarette and a series
you can get cancer (Smoking is harmful!)
6. Unsportsmanlike beatings:
– when you go home with the carp you pretend, that you accidentally fall out of a net under an oncoming bus
sometimes the bus to avoid collisions with the net, in which there may be an anti-tank mine runs the wrong way
7. Peasant beating:
– you drink a bottle with the carp and explain it to him, that he has nothing to live for anymore, because his girlfriend goes with another in the neighboring fish center; carp dies of grief or drinking
sick liver, remorse, and if a carp knows something about your wife?
Two anglers are talking:
– A week ago, I caught a pike over a meter long! I've never seen one like this!
– I believe you.